Stopping Time and Finding the Sweet Spots

it's been a while since I've written..

Its amazing how I can easily remember the details of even the shortest moments from childhood until after college and each memory fights for a spot in my brain as the best day of my life, and most of the days after that are just murky and insignificant. Everything now is the same; I can blog about something today and the same will happen tomorrow. At work, I stay in extra hours at my own will. I do it because I'm bored. I set goals for myself at work, push myself to the limits, and get what I want. But to me, it doesn't amount to anything. There is so much taken for granted... and so much that I miss.

My cousin's wife just arrived after a two week vacation in the Philippines. She returned with a packet of pictures sent from my parents which reflect their lives without my sis and I there. How things have changed since I left. I remember how our house was my haven of safety and love, and now looking at the pictures of a renovated place and after several years of not living there, I feel like I missed so much in my family's life and the house I grew up in has changed. My son is bigger and talks clearly now, my wife finally grew her hair past her shoulders after telling her forever to try it, my parents are having the time of their lives with their first grandchild. I must have flipped through the stack of about 100 pictures over and over for three hours last night, just looking deeply into each snapshot, and wishing that I was smiling with them in each one.

I miss the little things that are etched in my mind forever...

It's been a while since I've enjoyed having breakfast and drinking coffee under a canopy of trees in my parent's backyard. I could do it now on the patio of the apartment, but I would be staring at a swimming pool with fallen leaves while neighbors stare back at me. Or I could drive and have my coffee outside surrounded by the consumer whores of Starbucks. Nothing beats coffee outside in your own backyard with the birds, morning air, and your dog begging for some of your breakfast.

I miss living with only the responsibility of getting good grades and having all the time in the world to be with friends, just drinking and playing blackjack in the early afternoon after class at my apartment, or talking about early twenties angst over coffee and cigarettes until three in the morning. I thought I had it rough then; When I think of it now, I was just coasting along while the only pressure in life was going to class.

I miss walking on a Sunday afternoon with a pack of cigarettes and a discman through the hills of the city I went to school in... just walking down the main strip and eventually bumping into someone I know, and eventually sitting in a cafe dreading the Monday morning blues.

I miss lazy weekend college days with my wife before we got married, cooking and laying blankets on the living room floor of my apartment so we could be lazy and eat in front of the TV and fall asleep. I remember the first time we went out; everyday since it plays back in my head over and over and makes me fall in love with her all over again... and for now, all I can do is look in my wallet and reread some of the first notes she wrote me.

I miss playing with a child. I could play with all my nieces and nephews here to my heart's content but it is not the same. I am missing my son growing up. I remember before I came here he always liked rolling a tennis ball to me over the coffee table, and we would go back and forth all night after dinner. Now he can catch it but I have yet to see for myself.

I miss hugging and kissing my wife and falling asleep next to her. I can try my hardest and still remember what my wife smells like, but remembering is only the tiniest fraction of who she really is. I regret the nights not falling asleep with her because I was watching TV. Hell, I'm watching TV every night now and I'm sick of it.

I can remember the lessons learned from my parents, every place we've travelled to, each experience that has made us closer. Now we talk on the phone, but without a face and with the crackle and static that separate us, it is not the same.

It's the same stuff here. I'm enjoying myself but all my life and love are in the pictures that I received last night.

...I watched Mean Creek (really good indie but reminiscent of Bully and Better Luck Tomorrow) a few days ago. There was a scene (SPOILER!) where the group of kids were wondering what time of day it was and the next shot was a juxtaposition of the dead bully's ticking wristwatch on his lifeless arm.

Like that shot, I feel like my life is at a stand still, but life goes on even if mine doesn't seem to. They will be here soon and fill what's missing in my days. Until then, its like clockwork everyday, I am one drunk MF drowning in red wine and listening to the melancholy of Mark Kozelek and the Red House Painters while writing in my blog...

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On a lighter note, check out this video.